Sex can be one of life’s greatest pleasures. It’s relaxing, exciting, moving, enjoyable and more. This section provides advice and ideas to help you get the most from your sex life. We aim to answer the questions you need answered. If we’ve missed something relevant, please submit your ideas to: firstname.lastname@example.org. We’ll respond, and if the info will help others, we’ll add it to this section.
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ANAL SEX AND RIMMING
For WSW, the idea of anal sex differs from finding it unbearable to that of a very pleasurable sexual activity, all depending on the individual’s taste (no pun intended). Anilingus, or rimming, is where one partner licks the opening of the other and relaxing the anus’ sphincter muscles. This is done in slow circular movements with the tongue and can prove to be a very sensuous experience for both the giver and receiver. If you have never done it, it may sound unappealing to you. For many women, the anus is an erogenous zone. Adding the softness and smoothness of a tongue, you may be able to imagine why some women really like it. Rimming is a very intimate act that requires a great deal of trust and closeness. Rimming can be great foreplay for anal sex as it relaxes the sphincter muscles [see: Sexual Health > The Anus
]. The best position for rimming is doggy style (being on all fours while she works you from behind). Alternatively you could lie on your stomach, with a pillow tucked in under your stomach area. Some women like soft licking (moving in a circular manner around the anus for example), while others prefer it a bit harder (jabbing at the anus as if penetrating it for example). Just like oral sex, work your way into a rhythm and see what feels best for you and your partner. Good anal hygiene is very IMPORTANT! [see: Safety Zone > Hygiene
]. A shower together beforehand might be a good option. Rimming carries with it a considerable risk of transmitting Herpes, Anal Warts and Hepatitis A. In some cases even HIV. You can minimize your risk by always using a cut flavored condom, a flavored dental dam, OUT’s silk-e, or if all else fails, non-microwavable cling or glad wrap when rimming [see: Safety Zone > Barrier Methods
]. If unsettled by her natural smell and flavor consider using flavored lube. Anal penetration, by a finger, dildo, vibrator or butt plug, should be practiced with caution. Communicate (very important!) to each other whether the preference is only some pressure, shallow penetration with the pinky, or deeper penetration with a fist or toys etc. To ease penetration, always make use of a lot of high quality water based lubricant, especially when you try it for the first time. Ensure that whatever toy you use to penetrate your partner anally, has a wider base than the opening of the anus, to prevent it from disappearing up the rectum / anal canal. Protect yourself and your sex toys with a condom, especially if you share toys, or move between vaginal and anal penetration [see: Safety Zone > Barrier Methods
]. Like with various forms of sex and play, it is important for partners to respect each other’s boundaries. First, check with your partner if the idea of anal penetration suits her – then continue. If, however, she does not want to continue, respect her wishes – do not insist or force her, stop immediately. Partners need to be able to trust one another, and surprising your partner with anal penetration might hurt the trusting relationship [see: Well-being > Relationships
]. There is nothing wrong with testing your own sexual boundaries with your partner, so experimenting with various forms of penetration are encouraged.
Bondage, discipline and sadomasochism or sometimes just known as S&M, can take on various different forms. From a little bite or smack on the bum, to handcuffing, to something more extreme like whipping or flagellating, to torture play with masks and chains.
The one inflicting the pain is the sadist. The one receiving or submitting to the pain is the masochist.
According to the 2007 / 2008 Durex Sexual Wellbeing Survey, (www.com/en-SG/SexualWellbeingSurvey/InThe Bedroom/ pages/default.aspx) 28% of the lesbian identified sample, reported to include BDSM in their range of sexual activities, the highest incidence among the total sample of 26028 people. So yes, lesbian women all over the world, practice various forms of S&M.
Kinky play is almost always included in love making in general, e.g. pinning a partner down, scratching, biting or spanking. For some, bondage and restraints like ropes, chains and handcuffs, are not enough. They make use of more hardcore methods, which may include sensory deprivation, like masks, gags or hoods.
The most important aspect of S&M play is trust. Before initiating any S&M activity, the couple must communicate and decide on how far each partner wants to or can go, the expectations, who will inflict the pain and who will be the receiver. Although there are mutual consent, each person must have her “safe” word, because the words “yes”, “no” and “stop” have different meanings when it comes to S&M. A safe word is used when a pain or sensory threshold is reached. The activity must stop immediately. It is therefore important that the couple decide on the safe words beforehand, which can be a meaningless word like “car”.
In submission and domination, also called Sub / Dom play, the dominant partner exercises control over the submissive partner. This could include making use of humiliating remarks and restraints. It can be a huge turn on for both involved.
To be tied up and teased, or tying up your lover, can cause a heightened sense of excitement and pleasure. The use of various forms of restraining material like leather, silk or even metal (handcuffs), creates different levels of excitement. Blindfolds can add to the excitement, because the blindfolded does not know what to expect. Be aware – the binding should not be too tight, restricting circulation. Always have a device ready to cut the restraints, should an emergency arise.
Experiment with this kind of play, can enhance self-knowledge, especially in terms of personal boundaries, what you feel okay with doing to others and what others are allowed to do to you, both physically and emotionally. These types of play, (about power and restraint) can only be truly successful if there is a high level of trust and consent, even if the scenario is only about humiliation and no physical pain is inflicted. You have to trust the person you are with and know that they will stop when you had enough and use the safe word.
Do not use any alcohol or drugs when engaging in S&M activities. This could numb your senses and make it difficult for you to decide when you have reached your pain threshold, causing harm to your body. You might also agree to do things that you would normally not consider doing. Always be aware of what is going on around you, when someone is dominating you and you don’t feel comfortable, ask them to stop immediately.
Never pressure any one into S&M activities if they express their discomfort and never allow anyone to force you into doing anything you do not feel comfortable with.
Breasts, boobs, boobies, boemboems. Whatever it is lovingly called, it is uniquely part of every woman, in various shapes and sizes, with different levels of sensitivity. For some women a mere stimulation of the breast and or nipple can cause an orgasm. For others, there is no pleasure in the touch at all; they might even prefer no touch at all. Some women like their breasts to be caressed, or nipples pinched, or flicked with the tongue as foreplay, or as part of clitoral or vaginal sex. Be patient, most women like their breasts to be fondled first, before stimulating or playing with the nipples. There are many ways to pleasure your partner or lover using her breasts. From licking, kissing, a gentle bite to rubbing with your one hand or rubbing your breasts against hers. Even fondling the breast through the clothes and bra will cause pleasure and you will find the nipples will soon feel erect or hard. With or without clothes, check her response and after a while continue with a gentle pinch of the nipple. For some women moderate pinching is enough, others prefer harder. You can also roll the nipple between your finger and thumb. Tease your lover with your tong, licking and sucking it, in various degrees of pressure – this can be very erotic. Remember to give both breasts and nipples attention by moving your mouth from one to the other. To be playing with each other’s breasts simultaneously, can also prove to be very erotic. At some stage of the love play, your partner might ask you to stop fondling or kissing he breasts. Don’t feel offended, the breast is sensitive and might only allow a small amount of play. Gently move down her body’s contours and when you reach her vagina, start kissing and stimulating there. CASUAL SEX
Sometimes lesbian women want to “have sex just for the sake of having sex”, something like “living in the moment” “without any worries”. Sometimes “having sex with a stranger could be good to get rid of the hang-ups”, “get satisfaction” or “just be who you are for once”. What you might only taste once could be the most memorable, completely free of associations other than the suggestive and momentary. Some lesbians fall in love after their first orgasm, while others experience emotional intimacy differently. We are taught to believe that women who have various sexual experiences, with various sexual partners, especially over a short period of time, are sluts or promiscuous. Add to these notions the idea that women are supposed to be nurturers and protectors, shapes the way that women have sex and fall in love. Many people believe that it’s considered unacceptable to have one-time sex within the lesbian world, or that it would be perceived as being “bad” or “un-sisterly”. In reality, women do pick up women in clubs and at private parties, just to have sex with them. If you’re having casual sex, or consider it, remember the following:
- always be as sexually safe as possible
- have reasonable expectations;
- be clear about what it is that you’re expecting if you are insistent about something, and/or;
- let yourself be seduced by the sexual tension in the situation itself, and stay open to whatever might happen;
- never believe that you know how things are supposed to end up being
- and don’ try to steer things in that direction.
- don’t follow someone else’s rules just to please them.
There is something called dyke drama. To avoid being part of it, take responsibility for your actions. Play fair. In the lesbian subculture, especially in most cities, the lesbian women know about each other’s whereabouts and gossiping is a priority. Be clear about your intentions from the first contact.
CUNNILINGUS (ORAL SEX)
Cruising is a form of meeting other women for one exclusive reason, having anonymous sex. Known to be a gay thing, more and more women pick up other women just for sex. This can happen at gay and lesbian bars and clubs, sport clubs, coffee shops or shopping centers. There is no way of telling if a woman is hot for another woman; what you can get a feeling for, is if she’s hot for you. When the right woman presses the right buttons at the right time, even the most “narrow-minded” or “sexually immature” ones could be interested to explore. Yes, most women (and men), are brought up inside a heterosexual norm of how relationships should be formed, and whom should have sex with whom [see: Safety Zone
]. The desire and willingness to experiment, discover and experience often overrides the rules set up by the self and others, like parental figures. Being aware of the possibilities of female sexual fluidity, is the sexiest attitude imaginable, and the best pick-up device you could have.
Eating pussy” is one of the most enjoyed and beautiful sexual practices between two women. The term cunnilingus comes from the Latin word cunnus, meaning “vulva” and lingere
, to lick. Oral sex has more meaning than just licking. Sucking or nuzzling the clitoris, labia and vagina, can bring your lover to a very intense orgasm. This is also a very intimate way of exploring your lover, both physically and mentally, and finding out what she likes and appreciates, as well as what she does not feel comfortable with. Not all women feel comfortable with this level of intimacy. Some women will be a lot shyer to let you, or ask you, to go down on them. They might be self conscious about the smell of their vaginas. Each woman’s smell and taste in the vaginal area is different, even at different times of the month, e.g when ovulating or just before menstruating. To ease the level of embarrassment, suggest a shower or a bath together [see: Safety Zone > Hygiene
]. This will not only ensure that both of you are clean, but will enhance the level of confidence and intimacy. When engaging in oral sex, both lovers should be relaxed and comfortable. Initially, don’t go down too hard on her, as the vaginal area is very sensitive to touch. Do not focus only on the clitoris. Be gentle; explore the clitoris, labia and vaginal opening with your tong and lips. Trace the outer lining of the labia with your fingers or lips. Kiss the opening gently by flicking the tip of your tong in it before you open or she opens herself fully to you. When opened up, you’ll find soft, moist flesh, varying in shades of pink to brown, depending on the individual. Gently penetrate with your tongue or a finger or two, three. Then move your tongue along the inner labia and up to the clit. With your tongue, touch the top of the clit, flick it gently or stroke it tenderly across the top. Some women prefer light quick continuous strokes on their clit and others prefer being licked in a firm, rhythmic way, touching too softly, might be too ticklish. Check your lover’s response. Some women like to be teased, play with your tongue around the clit, move to the clit from time to time, licking across the top, surprising her and increase the intensity of the experience Tip: Don’t try to lick the way they do in ”lesbian” porn films: they do it like that because they’re not necessarily lesbians, and so the camera can see both their tongues and their genitals. It’s totally unnecessary to stick your tongue out and lick it like an ice-cream cone, and it’s actually pretty hard to move and flex your tongue when it’s sticking all the way out of your mouth.
Tips on “Going Down”, by Swedish blogger Sara Lövestam Also, your lover may take some time in reaching orgasm, so don’t start off too vigorously. Build up the pressure and speed, (if you are penetrating her, also increase the intensity of the thrusting movements, especially the few moments before she reaches orgasm). She will communicate this to you, either verbally, or through the movement of her hips grinding more intense against your face. Drawing the flat of your tongue across the length of her vulva and labia, dragging it slowly all the way up to her clit, sucking it instead of licking is another technique. Sucking her labia can prove to be more exciting for some than licking her clit. Communicate, what worked for the one lover, might not work for another at all, do not assume that all women react the same to oral stimulation. For yourself, the best way to find new buttons to push is by experimenting and following your body’s impulses. Take it easy, unless you are Shane from the L-Word, you might not do it 100% right the first time, but time and patience will make of you a specialist in pussy eating! Explore various positions while having oral sex. There are four common positions:
- Face between thighs One lover lies on her back with her legs open.
The partner lies down between her legs, facing the vaginal area closely. Access to the clit is easy and vaginal penetration with fingers or toys are enabled. Use the other hand to play with her breasts and nipples. If she prefers multi penetration, use your thumb in her vagina and finger in her anus. Other variants on this position are where the partner kneels between her lover’s legs or where one partner sits in a chair and the other kneels in front of her.
- Sitting on the face The one lover kneels over the face of the other lying beneath her. She lowers herself down to the partner’s waiting mouth. The one below can stimulate the other’s clit with her tongue and lips and even reach up to the top partner’s breasts and nipples. Penetration by fingers or dildo is allowed.
- Standing-kneeling position One woman stands with her legs slightly apart.
The partner kneels in front of her and reaches for her vagina and clit with her head stretching up. Because this not a very comfortable position for either party, and the receptive partner might take some time to reach orgasm, the standing partner might want to lean against a wall and the kneeling partner might need a pillow underneath her knees. For the clit to be stimulated in this position, is different than when lying flat on the back and can therefore cause a different sensation, adding excitement and flavor to love play.
- “Sixty-nine” The “69” is apparently the most exciting, but also the most difficult of positions for oral sex. Both partners lie down, one on top of the other, facing each other’s vulva’s (vaginal area).
Because women’s physical shapes and sizes are different, this may be more difficult in practice than in fantasy. It is important that the partner with the heavier physique lies below and that both partners feel physically comfortable, especially in terms of breathing easily. Increase the level of comfort by putting a pillow underneath the head and neck of the bottom partner. This will help when reaching for the vulva. The top partner kneels over her partner’s face and extends her body to her vulva. Also try lying side by side, facing opposite directions. Although difficult to reach the vaginal area, this position can create a great amount of pleasure for both.
For those of you with active imaginations there’s cybersex. Computer sex is a virtual sexual encounter in which two or more persons connect remotely via a computer network and send one another sexually explicit messages. It is a form of role-playing in which the participants pretend they are having actual sex in cyberspace. It may involve real life masturbation [See: A-Z of W2W Sex
> Mutual Masturbation] during the cybersex encounter. The quality of a cybersex encounter typically depends upon the participants’ abilities to evoke a vivid, visceral mental picture in the minds of their partners. Imagination and suspension of disbelief are also critically important. Cybersex can occur among lovers who are geographically separated, or among individuals who have no prior knowledge of one another and meet in virtual space to have sex. In other cases, it may be the first step in actually hooking up. In some cases, cybersex is enhanced by the use of webcams to transmit real-time video of the partners. The great news about cybersex is that on its own it poses no personal health risk.
A sexual or erotic fantasy is a pattern of thoughts with the effect of creating or enhancing sexual feelings. It is any mental image or picture that is sexually arousing or erotic. Fantasies vary from a long drawn out story, like a mental movie playing, to a quick mental flash of sexual imagery. The purpose of a fantasy ranges from creating sexual arousal and reaching orgasm, to passing time, reducing feelings of stress or assisting with falling asleep. Although some people do enact a sexual fantasy in real life, others may prefer or wish not to. Fantasies are entirely imaginary and not limited to acceptable or even practical fantasies. Therefore some lesbian women might fantasize about being penetrated by a man, there is no foreplay involved, and only the idea of a penetrative act itself, creates heightened sexual pleasure. This does not mean that she is “confused”, but rather that she is a fluid sexual being. Fantasies add spice to your love life. A lack of fantasy, or feelings of guilt surrounding fantasy, may contribute to sexual dysfunction. FETISHES
When a fetish is present, an individual will frequently masturbate while holding, rubbing, or smelling the fetish object or may ask her sexual partner to wear the object during their sexual encounters. Objects can include dildos, butt-plugs, hand-cuffs, shoes, underwear, leather whips, uniforms, stuffed animals etc. Body parts can include feet, navels, arm pits, hair, vaginas, buttocks etc. Activities can include:
- Role-play – Re-enacting a particular role with a partner, as in Nurse and Patient;
- Bondage – Use of physical (as in rope) or psychological (as in slave) restraint;
- Golden showers – Urinating on a partner;
- Fisting – Inserting the arm or hand into a partner’s vagina or anus;
- Scat – Consuming a partner’s faeces.
Although exciting for some, a fetish can carry certain risks depending on the particular fetish itself. For example, using a dildo [see: > Sex Toys] on yourself poses minimal risk, but sharing it, without cleansing it or protecting it with a condom, increases your risk significantly. Body parts coming in contact with each other is not necessarily problematic, but an exchange in bodily fluids might be [see: HIV/AIDS; STI’s]. Activities such as scat, and golden showers, for example, can pose considerable risk of contracting HIV or an STI [see: HIV/AIDS; STI’s]. Know the risks and make the right choices for yourself [see: Safety Zone]
Fingering involves inserting one or two fingers into the vagina or anus or both. You can do this to yourself as part of your solosex, or you can do it to another woman. It can be a great way to explore or yourself or your partner. Some women don’t like penetration, not even with a finger, and there is nothing wrong with that. For others one or two fingers are not enough. It varies from person to person. Some prefer gentle penetration, just the feeling of having the vagina filled, enough. Other might prefer deeper thrusts, more vigorous and sped up. The vagina is elastic, and has the ability to stretch (like in the case of childbirth). Thus, the vaginal canal can expand and accommodate what is penetrated. The more turned on you or your lover are, the capacity for what can be accommodated, will increase. The more the vagina gets penetrated, the bigger the size of the objects that can be inserted, e.g. from one finger to two, to a small vibrator, then to bigger toys like a double headed dildo! Now, for penetration to be effective, you have to communicate, ask her what gives her pleasure. Tell her what works for you. Never assume that because she is a woman, she’ll know exactly what “buttons” to push. All women experience pleasure in different ways. There is more than one way to penetrate and create wonders with your finger(s). If she is lying on her back, penetration can be deeper, up to the cervix. Note, for some women this can be painful. You can reach to the front to find her G-spot, just behind the pubic bone [see: Sexual Health > The Vagina
]. Double penetration, both the vagina and anus (thumb in the vagina and index finger in the anus), can create quite a knockout sensation. This type of penetration can be used in a many positions (standing, sitting, lying on your back or stomach, kneeling, squatting or bending over something like a table or bed). Although finger penetration can be exciting and wonderful, care should be taken not to penetrate with an object that’s too big, especially for the first time. Remember, we are all different, yes, you and your partner might prefer different sizes of penetration. Objects to be inserted should not have any rough or sharp edges. Fingernails should be smooth and well trimmed. The inside of the vagina and the anus, are soft and sensitive and could bruise or scratch easily. When you have enough “juice,” a touch or penetration can feel more intense. Vaginal secretion is the body’s own lubricant. It can be sexy visually, to feel against your skin, to taste. Sexy because you can feel that she’s hot and wet, or because it seems as if her body is showing a life of its own. If and how wet you get varies, and it isn’t a “proof” of how horny you are. If you want more juice, lubricant is a wonderful helper; choosing one with a fragrance or flavor can also add a new dimension to the sex. Depending on a woman’s age and other factors, some might have less “juice” than others. No problem! Add lube to any form of penetration (even with lots of juice), it increases pleasure and decreases the risk of vaginal or anal ruptures. Always wash your hands before and after any form of penetration, but you can also use latex gloves, just make sure your lover does not have sensitivity to latex! Play with care!
Fisting is where a partner inserts her whole hand into the vagina of her lover. Patience, time, communication and care are the main ingredients for this act to be successful, especially the 1st time. Hand size plays a part, the smaller – easier access. Have a lot of lube ready and a latex glove, this would make things a lot easier. A glove and lots of lube is much smoother than a hand. The one to be penetrated should be relaxed and turned on. If not, the fist will go nowhere. First, use two fingers, then building up to four. When all four fingers are comfortably inserted, tuck the thumb as far as possible in your palm. The hardest part to insert is the area at the base of the fingers. Cup the hand slightly, squeezing the fingers together to lessen the width. Check her level of comfort. If your partner complains at any stage of any form of discomfort, stop immediately. On the other hand, if she enjoys it and is able to accommodate the pain, continue by slowly pushing until the hand finally enters. After entering, curl the fingers around your thumb and form a fist or use your fingers to access different areas inside her. Thrusting and movement should be very gentle. Too much can cause damage and pain. FOREPLAY
Fore-play is often not given enough attention, especially later years in a lesbian relationship. The only time when it is not important, is when both partners are so worked up and turned on, and desperate to be satisfied. At first, you want to ravish your new lover, every day, always turned on, easily aroused and ready for sex. As time goes by and your relationship becomes more emotionally intimate as well, fore-play becomes an important part of your sexual expression. It is an opportunity to explore each other’s bodies, spending quality intimate time together. Foreplay includes the way you talk love talk (e-mails and sms or text messaging included), dirty talking, body language, touch, body rubbing, massage, kissing, light nibbling and embracing or hugging. The essence of foreplay is to have fun and to be creative. Safer sex practices can easily be incorporated as part of foreplay (e.g., putting on a glove or a condom on the dildo) [see: Safety Zone > Safer Sex
Kissing (either as a peck on the cheek, a closed mouth-to-mouth smooch, or a deep, open mouth-to-mouth kiss) is often the first erotic experience in someone’s life. Almost every sexual act starts with kissing. The more often you kiss, the sooner you will discover what works, and the more passionate it is likely to be. And the more comfortable and relaxed you feel, the more you are able to let go and enjoy the moment. The art of kissing
Kissing is an extremely intimate act. It gives both lovers the opportunity to explore the other. Start with lip brushing and move to tender little kisses that lightly touch her skin, eyes, neck or cheeks. Then move to the deeper kiss, the “soul kiss”, where both lovers’ tongues meet. Tilt your head slightly to one side, ensure that your noses are not in the way, lean towards each other, press your lips against hers, open your lips partially and begin teasing her with your tongue. Let your tongue explore her mouth (especially her lips and tongue). Caution: do not get too excited and ram your tongue down her throat. Feel your partner’s rhythm and match it. Sucking her tongue gently can also cause a very erotic experience. Be sure to monitor your spit levels so that you don’t slobber all over her! If you are feeling particularly adventurous try and vary things a bit by gently nibbling on or sucking her bottom lip. The lips, like the genitals, have very sensitive nerve endings and swell with blood when kissing someone you sexually desire. It does not matter whether you keep your eyes open or closed. If you are not very experienced and confident, then perhaps it is best that you follow her lead at first. If she is not very experienced don’t feel afraid to ask her to follow your lead. Use your hands. Hold her face, caress her hair, and slide your hand down her back. Each move will enhance the kiss that much more. And remember that you don’t have to kiss her only on the mouth. Her whole body is waiting to be explored with sensual kisses. If you think you might have bad breath or that you will taste funny, chew some gum or a mint beforehand [see: Safety Zone > Hygiene
]. Even though it is well known that kissing carries a very low risk for the transmission of HIV [see: HIV/AIDS
], it is still possible for you to contract Herpes [see: STI’s
]. It is for this reason that you should not brush your teeth before kissing someone. Rather rinse your mouth with a minty mouth wash or chew some gum.
Mutual masturbation occurs where two or more people stimulate themselves or one another sexually, usually with the hands on the clits. Masturbating with your partner is extremely sexy. Show-and-tell how you get yourself off, learn new techniques from her, and teach her what pleases you. Communication is important, both for a long term relationship as well as when you have sex with someone for the first time. When you communicate your desires clearly, the sex will get better and better. Mutual masturbation can be a great form of foreplay or an alternative to penetrative sex. This may be in situations where you and your partner do not want to have penetrative sex, but still want to feel sexually satisfied. There are no risks attached to masturbation. ORGASM
There are apparently 26 definitions of the word “orgasm”. An orgasm, sexual climax or “coming” is the release of sexual tension built up in the body during stimulation. There are involuntary and intense muscular contraction involved and other physical changes like an increase in heart rate, blood pressure and respiration rate and depth. The sensations are extremely pleasurable and are often felt throughout the body, causing a mental state that is often described as transcendental. Woman experience orgasms differently, depending on where we are, the type of arousal or how we are aroused. At times the orgasm can be very intense, other times less powerful. There has been some debate around the world over the past years, mainly concentrating on clitoral and vaginal types of orgasm. The third type, the G-spot is also now introduced. The fact is that almost all woman who achieve orgasm, do so through stimulation of the clitoris, and less through vaginal stimulation. A vaginal orgasm is enhanced by clitoral stimulation, either before or during vaginal orgasm is reached. A clitoral orgasm seems to be sharper and more intense, whereas a vaginal orgasm feels as if it comes from deep inside the body. Lube can be added to the clitoral area to increase chances of multiple orgasms. PORNOGRAPHY
Two women together, having various forms of sex, are known to be the ultimate straight man’s fantasy. Thus, pornography, for many years, was focused on the male client. Nowadays, more and more erotic magazines, books and films are geared towards lesbian women. More accurate descriptions of lesbian lives, love, relationship and sex are conveyed, showing different types of lesbian women. Lesbians are definitely not all the “same”. These wonderful images allow us to escape from restrictive stereotypes portrayed by heterosexual men, even sometimes forced, upon us. Unfortunately, in the South African context, you will not find these types of media on the shelves of a mainstream bookshop. You’ll have to surf the World Wide Web for specialist shops in your area, if any. Try a visit to a mainstream expo, like SEXPO, which takes place in Johannesburg, Cape Town and Durban once a year. Because different images create different forms of sexual excitement, some lesbians identified women love watching non-lesbian or heterosexual porn, not liking lesbian porn at all. Some even find watching gay men having penetrative sex exciting. Different strokes for different folks! Check with your lover what excites her; never assume that she is only into lesbian porn! SEX POSITIONS
There is more to sex than just lying there like a dead fish. You and your partner need to get involved. By using your imagination and a certain degree of body suppleness, the potential list of sex positions is virtually endless. We all have a favorite position, which proves to be the most pleasurable for us. Experiment with each other. We’ll give you a few of the many options.
- Side by side Put an arm around each other. Both now has easy access to the other’s clit. By using the forefinger to stimulate the clit, the remaining fingers can do the magic of penetrating and stimulating the vagina.
- Kneeling face-to-face With both hands free and good access to the clit, both lovers can touch the erogenous zones of the partner and watch all at the same time. Looking each other in the eye up to the point of orgasm proves to be a very intimate act.
- Standing face-to-face In this position, full body contact can be achieved. Kissing and rubbing each other’s breasts are easily managed. There is a free hand to play and penetrate with. Standing allows for thighs to press in between each other’s legs, putting pressure on and stimulating the genital areas. This proves to be a very intimate position. You can watch your lover while stimulating her.
- Standing back-to-front One faces away from the other. The partner in front is stimulated by the hand of the lover behind her. A vibrator can even be inserted into the vagina. With the free hand she can play with her breasts or nipples. The lover in front can reach backwards and fondle various parts of her partner [see: Cunnilingus].
[see: Cunnilingus and Body Rubbing for other suggested positions).
Using sex toys, although not for all, widens the range of sexual positions and pleasures available. Sex toys play a significant part in lesbian women’s sex lives, to be used alone or with a partner. If the thought of going into an adult shop and wondering around to have a look at the latest toy selection makes you more anxious than excited, use online shops like www.matildas.co.za
. Good quality toys, which can be ordered in the privacy of your own home (or office) and delivered to your doorstep privately and discreetly. Sex toys come in different shapes, colors and sizes. This makes it difficult to choose. Ask yourself what you want. Do you want to use it alone or with a lover? Do you prefer to use it the same time? How much can you afford to pay? If you are using a vibrator for the first time, it will help you a lot to check out your genitals first. Use a mirror and explore them with your fingers. Take your time, find out what feels good, pleasurable and arousing. Explore different kinds of touch. This will get you in the mood. Once you’re aroused, touch yourself with your vibrator on your belly, hips and thighs to see how it feels, trying out different speeds. Move the vibrator around different parts of your genitals. Press it against your clitoris, the clitoral hood, the mons pubus, labia, vaginal opening and anus. Again, when using a vibrator for anal sex, make sure it has a flared base, to prevent the vibrator from getting lost. Vary the pressure and speed. If the vibration is too intense, don’t place the vibrator directly against your genitals, but move it slightly so that the vibration is diffused. You can also place your hand, a towel or clothing between the vibrator and your genitals to absorb some of the vibration. If the vibrator does not give you an orgasm at first, don’t worry! Experimenting more and more will be able to figure out what gives you most pleasure. If you plan on using your vibrator with your partner, it’s a good idea to try it on yourself first. Dildo’s look very much like a vibrator, but does not vibrate. Dildos are mostly used together with a harness or “strap-on”. Nowadays, they do not necessarily resemble the shape of a penis and come in many shapes and sizes. Some are shaped in such a way to give optimal pleasure. You even get very long double-ended dildos for penetration of both partners simultaneously.
- Vibrators and dildo’s Vibrators are probably the most popular sex toy available. As the technology improved, so did this little “love machine”. Some of the latest technology includes one that you can use with your iPod or other MP3 player, thus moving on the beat of your choice.
- Butt plugs and anal beads Butt plugs have a special shape, ensuring that they are not pulled into the anus by the natural suction of the anus and help them stay in place once they’re inserted. They can be left in the anus while having other kinds of sex. Anal beads or wands are an alternative, a long thin strip of plastic, ridges with a series of bulbs shaped like rounded beads. If inserted, and gradually pulled out during intercourse or masturbation, even leaving a few for the moment of orgasm itself causes a mind-blowing sensation. Even pulled out quickly could add extreme pleasure to the experience.
Don’t use penetrative objects, including dildos, vibrators, straight from one woman to another. Use a new condom to protect yourself and your partner against infecting each other with a bacterial infection or STI. It also increases the longevity of your toys. Between love making sessions, silicone toys can be boiled in order to sterilize it. Latex, rubber jelly or PVC toys should only be washed in hot water with a very mild soap.
Solosex is also known as masturbation, playing with yourself or self love. This is a very important part of an individual’s sexual development and is the best way to learn about what you like sexually. It is a popular activity for most women. There’s always a time and place for it: in the morning before getting up, while in the shower or bath, while at school or at work, or in the evening before going to sleep. Some women may use a porn movie, an erotic book, horny web-talk or their own imaginations or fantasies to spice things up a bit. There are a number of myths around female masturbation, namely that it’s a sin, that it will affect your eyesight or that it could make you go insane. These myths leave some of us with a lot of guilt or shame. The negative messages about masturbation came from “non-scientific” sources, based on the informant’s lack of knowledge and fear, mostly given to you in the most confusing stage of your life – adolescence. But, most women experience a great deal of delight without any harmful side-effects. Women masturbate for different reasons, most of the time for sexual release, but also to relieve tension and stress and even to aid in falling asleep. There is no perfect or best way of having solosex, most of us learn through trial and error. Every woman has her own technique and preferences. Masturbating on a regular basis will help you discover what is enjoyable and works for you. Some useful tips:
- Choose a time and place when you won’t be disturbed.
- Take your time and explore different ways of having sex with yourself, like touching your nipples, playing with your labia and clitoris, varying your speed and intensity, tracing your fingers back and forth between your labia, lightly brushing the clit’s head. Try using different lubes, a dildo or a vibrator to experience different sensations.
- Watch yourself in the mirror.
- If you tend to use the same hand, change hands some times. It may just feel as though someone else is doing it for you.
- Insert a finger or a dildo etc. for extra sensation.
- Delay cumming for as long as possible. This can be done by stopping completely when you feel you are about to orgasm and then starting again a few seconds later.
- Consider including masturbation as an alternative form of sex with your lover, so that it becomes mutual masturbation. In this way, you and your partner can then masturbate in front of one another or help each other out.
- Try it with the showerhead, a direct powerful spray on the clitoral area. Water creates wonderful sensations.
Solosex is a great way to explore the self sexuality, while mutual masturbation can be an exciting way to explore sex with a new partner, in a low risk manner [see: Mutual Masturbation].
Swinging, or the swinging lifestyle, can be described as “a couple’s non-monogamous sexual activities”. Typically, swinging activities occur when a couple or otherwise committed couple engages in sexual activity with another couple, multiple couples, or a single individual. There seems to be an increase in swinging activities at private lesbian parties, since lesbian or woman only clubs in South Africa are extremely rare. THREESOMES AND MORE
Threesomes, group sex or orgies, is an extremely popular fantasy among a number of lesbian women. A threesome describes a sexual activity involving three people. Group sex, or orgy, involves more than three participants at the same time. The level of sexual activity among group members may vary greatly. Some threesomes, for example, may involve one woman who plays a voyeuristic role, and sometimes the invited member is there for enhancing the experience, but does not participate. Other threesomes may actively involve all three members. Group sex can take place at private parties or in nightclubs. Threesomes, group sex and orgies are appealing because of the excitement and variety they offer. On the other hand, there are a few considerations. A threesome can be complicated if your partner has jealousy issues. The fantasy of another woman going down on your partner might be exciting, but when it happens in real life, it might push some of your insecurity buttons. Even if you don’t know the third party, jealousy issues might arise. It is important to discuss all eventualities with your partner before the actual event. Then, jealousy might not be a problem for another couple at all and threesomes are used to add some adventure to their relationship. Group sex can pose a considerable risk because (1) the sexual histories of all sexual partners are often not known to one another (especially if a once-off group encounter), and (2) because group sex directly implies having had a higher number of sexual partners (as is the case here). Know the risks and make the right choices for yourself [see: Safety Zone > Safer Sex
Vanilla sex is a term used to refer to normal oral or anal sex that does not involve a fetish or anything kinky. Vanilla sex is typically associated with bland hetero-sex. F or those not wishing to explore BDSM, vanilla sex is quite satisfying. Irrespective of your preference, it is important that you know the risks and that you make the right choices for yourself [see: Safety Zone > Safer Sex